Wouldn’t It Be Good..

..If I didn’t have the need to compare myself and my performance to others? To be able to do my own thing within my limits and be satisfied?

I had pretty bad muscle cramps as well as little numbness in my hands and feet. My thigh and shoulder muscles would twitch and fasciculate on their own. I asked for some more exotic labs and found out I had hypophosphatemia. So now I got even more blood work taken as well as other tests such as 24 hour urine collection to find out the reason for the low phosphate. The situation’s a bit better as I’ve been eating loooots and lots of cottage cheese :). But the problem can occur again if the reason behind goes untreated. Or course the endocrinolgists’ first suggestion was that the muscle cramps probably have nothing to do with the hypophosphatemia but instead I have subclinical hyperthyroidism 😀 – subclinical because my free T4 and T3 were well within normal values to their disappointment…

I made it back to the gym this week and have started to slowly inch my way back into the training groove. It hasn’t been easy. I’m dead tired since I got back to my normal HC dose. I’m still brain fogged and find it hard to concentrate and at the gym, especially in this heat, I’m dizzy and my heart races. I guess I feel bitter at times that I can’t perform as well as others and can’t cope with this chronic illness shit.

I’ve started to do some weightlifting style warm-up before my powerlifting practice. Damn this summer heat, my illness and absence from the gym lately have made this into the warm-up from hell…

I feel so out of place and inadequate with weightlifting still and I only dare to practice snatch with a stick as my normal gym doesn’t have women’s Oly bars. I do 10x snatch from hang, mid-thigh and below knees and then 6-8x cleans from mid-thigh and below knees and split jerks with 20 kg bar.

Tonight, my training was all over the place, not according to my plan at all. First the squat racks were occupied and I had to bench press first. I did 4 sets with 35 kilos. I was supposed to do 10 reps but my triceps really started to give out and I only got 9 reps and 8 reps in the last two sets.

I was also supposed to do back squats 4 x 10 reps with 52.5 kilos. But damnit, I was really weak and wobbly and dizzy and all weird shit and actually all I wanted to do was quit. I got 9 reps in the first set but nearly passed out. I had to take it easier so I only squatted 6 reps in the rest of the sets, though it didn’t feel easy at all…

Last I punished my puny triceps with dips (had to do them in the counterweight machine) for 4 sets and finished my workout with cable pushdowns for 4 x 12.

I must be in a more deep mental and physical burn out than I thought. Even though I’ve rested I don’t feel rested at all. I feel anxious and fearful about the future and also about today, this daily life. Thinking if I can make it. Not all the time, but often. But I have to try and keep on fighting. I have no other choice. I’m not a quitter and I can’t see a future where I wouldn’t lift. This is what I do. This keeps me sane.

At least yesterday I had fun as we played Eldritch Horror with my boyfriend, my friend’s hubby and his friends at our place. It was long, intense and desperate 6 hours. Unfortunately we were unable to stop the dreadful Ancient One from rising – so sorry folks for the apocalypse, it was us… 🙂 I was mentally a wreck afterwards and slept nearly around the clock.

Franz is recovering well and anxious to get moving more. Though at this heat, even with his Mexican heritage, he too likes to chill and sleep in the cool indoors…

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xoxo,

Veera

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