Tonight I’m feeling really anxious and shitty. It’s so annoying. I have every reason to be happy and content. My back is getting better. I’ve done my workouts. I’m finally back to my normal cortisone dose and even managed a few busy days without need for stress dosing. I’m at home with my boyfriend and have a relatively easy weekend to look forward to. But still. I feel like I’m a complete loser. That I’m not good enough. That I should be doing more. Somehow.
There’s this pressure building inside of me and I’m afraid it’ll crush me or explode or something else awful happens.
I think part of my anxiety stems from the knowledge that few becoming weeks will be tough. As I’ve shared earlier, although I like to travel, it really wears me down. I easily get massive AI symptoms if I don’t stress dose enough. Now I’ll be attending a 3-day exercise science symposium at Jyväskylä university next week. After that, A 2-day palliative care seminar at Tampere the next week, followed straight by 2 days of Addison’s disease patient organisation’s conference at Helsinki where I’m also giving a lecture (which I haven’t even started writing, btw…). And a week after that, a 2-day geriatric seminar at Tampere.
I guess I’m already fretting how I’m going to cope with all this. Exercise helps a bit to calm me. I’ve also done meditation every night – I’d like to make a post about my observations regarding the possible benefits so far – when I have the time…
But even as exercise and meditation help, even they are becoming “tasks” I need to perform to be a perfect little good girl. And everything is never enoug. Even now I’m at home, pacing in the living room as I need to get my 10,000 steps in for today. After that I was going to foam roll and stretch while watching something relaxing from Netflix. But at the same time I’m wondering if I should go to the gym tonight as I won’t get more than maybe two workouts in the next week due to my intense traveling schedule. And maybe I should start writing that lecture. Have I spent enough time with my boyfriend? I’m a bad person. A lazy person. Well, you get the drift.
Why do I torment myself this way? Or am I having a low cortisol related anxiety attack? I’m not sure. I just hope this restless and worthless feeling passes soon.